thoughts on motherhood

I've been thinking about motherhood a bit lately. It started about two months ago when I started having pregnancy/baby dreams. I want to attribute this to Perry and I adopting a dog. Although I don't consider Reggie our "fur baby" or compare him to a child, there is something about caring for and loving something that is completely helpless and dependent upon you that I believe was translating over to mothering type thoughts in my subconsciousness.

The big thing that got me re-evaluating my position on motherhood was my health scare and subsequent ER visit. I've been to my gynecologist's office twice since then and had an ultrasound and other tests done, but my doctor can't find anything wrong with me. She's told me that they've ruled out all of the "bad stuff", so she thinks my unusual bleeding was some kind of freak occurrence. When I told my mom about my problem, she revealed to me that my maternal grandmother had to have a hysterectomy at age 32 because she started hemorrhaging suddenly one day. We've made plenty of medical advances since my grandmother's time so I'm sure that's more of a last resort measure now, but it still didn't make me feel any better.

The point is, I've always taken my fertility for granted and this whole incident got me rethinking about when and if I want children. I do not want children now but I always figured that I would have at least a solid five years before I had to make up my mind for good. Even then, I've always felt a strong inclination towards adopting an older child in foster care. Only two members of my family are my full blooded relation so for me family's always been more about who raised and loved you vs. who you share DNA with. Thus, adoption has always been a viable pathway to motherhood to me.

So, I've been thinking about it and I've come to this conclusion: nope. I didn't want children before this scare and I don't want any because of it. Mostly because my only reason to get pregnant now would be a fear of future infertility: a get it while it's hot, all items must go, fire sale mentality which has got to be one of the worst reasons ever for making another human. So nice one, biological clock, but you're going to have to try harder than that!